and once again we see what happens after a beer and access to a computer (i mean last night, not right now!). my brother gave me one because i got way too freaked from the movie Hide&Seek, which, if you've seen the whole thing, really isn't that bad - but STILL

i just wish i could get my mind off of the entire aspect of dating. i'm going to take gil's advice and make a list of what i actually all want. if i know what i really want, then i won't be as confused, right? or at least i won't be always saying "yeah, i know he has drank/smoked/screwed around (or maybe still does), but maybe it's not so bad..." yeah. none of that. i really need to point out to myself what is truly important in my life.

my brother is home again for just a day or two. he's with courtney during a hard time - he's a good guy, and she's a good girl (awww!). i guess it give me hope for later on. maybe there is a decent guy out there :)

on another topic: i pulled out my violin today. i haven't really played at all since my grandfather passed away. i just don't want people to hear me play. i've been around some pretty damn critical violinists, and i don't want their judgement. i do, however, miss having kristin around. now, i'm listening to Mark O'Connor's "Heroes", and if you don't even know who i'm talking about - check it out - he is absolutely amazing! i just wish my family could understand WHY i don't play much. my grandma brought me to tears on the phone the other night. i haven't seen her since easter and i miss her so incredibly much. she asked if i was playing much, commenting

"grandpa wants you to".



the part that made me tear up: i know he does. i'm just so scared of not being good enough.